Thursday, October 31, 2013

Being ENOUGH of a mom is just about perfect.

I almost called this post "The sins of the mother....they don't HAVE to be passed onto their they?" But it never felt quite right. I started to write it several times. Then set it aside in frustration. After my last attempt I seriously considered just throwing it away altogether. Maybe the durned thing just wasn't meant to be. But....I couldn't quite hit the delete button and left it in my drafts. For some reason it just wouldn't go away. That generally means that I am going to have just give in and tough it out because there is something I need to say. Usually I need to say it to ME. After all the biggest reason I write this blessed blog is for myself. The voices in my head can get very loud when I try to ignore them. I have told folks not to under-estimate the depth of my own insecurities. For whatever reason God keeps nagging not to hide them anymore, but to stand up and face them. Or in most cases, sit down and write them out and then......this is the scariest part of the whole process.....hit the "Publish" button. Once I do that I usually enjoy a few days of peace in my head until something else gets my over-thinking nodes going again.

I found this gif when I was looking for some kind of graphic to go with this paragraph. I like it - but I also find it annoying. Makes me want to read faster so that I can scroll down far enough not to have to watch them anymore. Still - I am leaving it in. Just don't read so fast you miss what I am saying here, 'k? Anyway, the thing that won't get out of my head? I am an unworthy mother. You know - not good enough, not patient enough, not involved enough, not organized enough, etc, etc, etc......bottom line - just not enough. My kids deserve so much better. They are amazing. Seriously what was God thinking giving them ME as their mom? 

To add insult to injury - God gave me ALL girls. Don't get me wrong. I adore my daughters. BUT - I have never felt like I was very good at being a girl.  I  have always (and still do) feel CHALLENGED when it comes to girly things. I was always a tom boy. I loved to climb rocks and trees (still do), never could really figure out fashions, (No matter how much I tried I never felt like I could quite get it right. Just look at photos from my high school years), never had any desire to spend hours doing my hair or make-up (still don't - check photos of me from just about anytime). How was I supposed to teach my girls about all this stuff that I was never able to really master myself?

Now my girls are the ages of 21, 16, 15, and 10, and 9. (We have his and hers kids in our household.) The oldest daughter is engaged to a wonderful guy, the 16yo is dating a kid at school and the 9yo is in love with One Direction. Another thing I never really seemed to figure out was dating and boys and relationships. Top it off with the huge blow of becoming a divorced single-mom a couple years ago and I feel I belong at the bottom of the list of folks who should be advising her daughters on boys and relationships.
I am blessed now to have many wonderful folks in my life who are quick to jump on me when I start to list all the reasons I am not enough. They encourage me to step back and take a look to see what I am missing. If I am to trust God to know what He is doing then I have to trust that there MUST be something I have to offer my girls. Maybe it is to teach them to have the ability to laugh at themselves and not take the world too seriously. Maybe it is to appreciate the beauty of mismatched socks. Maybe it is to teach them that is never to late to try again or learn something new. Maybe it is to model being an imperfect, messed up Child of God who is worthy and ENOUGH just as she is. Maybe He gave me five amazing daughters because I needed to realize that if my girls are worthy just as they are - then so is their mother.

I know after being a mom for over 21 years there is a built-in guilt trip that is inherent in parenting. That will never go away. Somehow miraculously my girls have turned out to be pretty darned decent and amazing young women. Thankfully God sent wonderful influences and friends into my girls' lives to teach them about clothes and make-up and just what to do with long gorgeous curly hair. A great side effect of that is they are slowly teaching me as well. (My 16yo is still pretty adamant I should not be allowed to clothes shop unsupervised. Baby steps.) He's also let me pass on the joy of climbing trees and reading books and playing handbells and serving others. I am grateful for every day I get the chance to share life with my girls. What that looks like changes all the time. I have two at home full-time now. Two step-daughters who visit regularly. And my oldest lives at the opposite side of the state. I don't worry about her 24/7 anymore - but she is in my heart 100% of the time. You never stop being a parent. Never.

I came across this video today as I was getting ready to finish this up. It seems the perfect closing for this post.

'Til Next Time.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Just checking in October 25, 2013

Life is moving ahead full tilt and I have that slightly panicked feeling of things moving too fast and am certain I am forgetting something very important. But I am trying not to put off posting something (ANYTHING) on this blog for too long. Words like discipline and dedication and get off your butt keep echoing in my head. So, here I am. It's not really gonna be great. But then it might help me get some of the jumble in my mind to quiet down for a bit.

My job as the new youth director is going very well. At least it seems to be. There is so much I still have to learn about organizing and logistics and planning ahead. Definitely NOT my strong suits - just what WAS God thinking when He nudged me in this direction? So thankful for terrific support from parents and staff at church. Maybe He meant I need to be sure to reach out for help. There is a reason that it takes a village, after all!!

On a not so high note a family member got that diagnosis we all dread. Trying to focus on the positive and be a good support for her. Still, bottom line is Cancer Sucks. 'Nuff said.

Right now my brain is filled with corn mazes, lock-ins, permission slips, prayers for healing, a Sam's shopping list and more.

Why do some people just simply break off communication without any explanation?

Did I make enough breakfast burritos for tomorrow morning?

Will I ever get back to this and actually explain all these half-thoughts?

Ok. That's all I have time for.

Grace, love, peace and that Sh#*.