Tuesday, December 17, 2013

#41 - 46 Random Posts to Celebrate 46 Years of Living

As I mentioned in a previous post - I like Facebook. My personal goal is to post at least SOMETHING everyday....but not get too carried away with so many posts that my friends are tempted to hide everything I put out there. It surprises me sometimes what seems to strike a cord with others.

The other day I shared this picture. I found it on one of my favorite FB pages - A Beautiful Mess Inside.

I still am not always sure just what will get attention and what won't. Sometimes things that I think are particularly funny or meaningful will sit on my wall and go seemingly unnoticed. And then others kind of take on a life of their own. This was one. It got 15 likes (that's a lot for me!), but the biggest surprise was that it was shared 14 times. (I know those are not astronomical numbers, but remember....this is just my own little personal page.) I don't often get stuff shared off my timeline. 

So why did this one strike a chord? Maybe it is because we all have experienced looking silly or feeling foolish and also experienced the unpleasant sensation of knowing that someone else thought we were an idiot because of it. If you are like me then you know that trying NOT to look silly is a fruitless effort. It happens without even trying. I constantly say the wrong the thing, leave the house wearing brown shoes with black pants, forget where I put my keys, have to run to the store at 0-dark-thirty to pick up something last minute my kid needs the next day for school, and so on and so on. I used to get very, very upset when these things would happen. My little inner voice would start repeating all the things I should have/could have done differently or better and what was wrong with me and are you ever going to learn????? 

Learning to put that voice in it's place was (is) not easy.. It took many do-overs to choose to listen to a more forgiving and positive voice. (Thankfully I am NOT out of those do-overs either! Anyone else glad our God is a God of 2nd, 3rd, and 94th chances?) One of my biggest freeing moments is not an exactly poetic one. (I did mention God giving us infinite do-overs, right?) This moment, though, helped me fight back some major negative demons. It may or may not involve being a deep funk after my divorce and may or not involve me sitting alone in my house during one of the weekends my kids were with their dad. I may or may not have been feeling extremely pathetic about myself. I did not resent my kids spending time with their dad - but I was totally lost as to what to do with hours and days all to myself. I felt even more pathetic because I knew that it had to be much harder for the kids' dad. I only had to endure weekends by myself the rest of the time they were with me. On this particular weekend I will neither admit nor deny that I got so fed up with myself that I stood in my living room and screamed "F&CK YOU, WORLD!!" at the top of my lungs. I knew I had to do SOMETHING and that I didn't care what anyone else thought of me at that moment. Then before I could think about it I picked up the phone and called an acquaintance and asked her what time dinner was and if I should bring anything with me. She was completely amused by how I invited myself over and I got to spend a great evening with someone who has become one of my best friends. A much more positive way to spend my time than moping to myself. 

I don't go around screaming profanities when I am feeling insecure (at least not out loud). I try to remember how empowering it is to truly NOT care what others opinion of me is. Because honestly - I make an idiot of myself almost every day. Another thing that is empowering is this little tidbit - so does EVERYONE else. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Even those of us who may do a better job at hiding it from the rest of the world have those areas in our lives where we know we could/should do better. So F&cking what? Really. I mean REALLY. Knowing that we all fall short and that we all struggle and that we all are in this mess of life together is empowering. And it gives us the opportunity to be kinder and more empathetic and maybe, just maybe make a new friend who will feed you dinner even when you show up with no notice.

Post a Comment