Tuesday, July 1, 2014

On letting myself enjoy being happy...because for a little while I wasn't so much.

Been feeling happy the past couple days. Not necessarily anything to commemorate....except that for the past couple of months life has also been challenging in a few corners of my life. I have always struggled finding a balance in knowing how much to share with others when life gets tough. Then I started to learn that life is pretty much ALWAYS tough for everyone. Sometimes to a greater or lesser degree, but none of us ever seems to be able to say that every arena of our lives is awesome all at the same time. When things are good personally - work can suck. Or when work is going great - then our kids can drive us crazy. And you know what? It's okay to be honest about that. I was just as guilty as so many others of thinking that admitting my struggles meant I was failing at life somehow. Gradually I started to notice that the people I connected the most with and was most drawn to were those who could be honest about their joys AND their challenges in life. It made them seem more approachable. And I decided that I wanted to learn to be like that. I love being able to lift someone up by being able to genuinely say "Me, too." Life is wonderful....but it is HARD. And admitting that does not mean you are failing. Admitting it is the first step to seeking support and learning ways to cope and to OVERCOME.

So, what happened to turn my smile into a frown? Well, my mother-in-law lost her battle to cancer. Divorce did not sever the relationship she had with me. She was the first grandparent my kids have lost and it hurt. Still does and always will even as the healing is in process. Because of what we were going through with her when she took a turn for the worse I reached out to a group of folks I knew who raise money for cancer but I was told it was too late in the season for me to join. That rejection stung more than I should have let it. I didn't realize that cancer was supposed to follow a schedule.But I learned that if I want to be a part of a group that is involved with cancer fundraising I want one that is more about supporting the people - and is less about keeping score.
And my attitude towards my church has been less than ideal. Mostly because of my bad attitude brought on by my reaction to some less than "charitable" behavior by folks there. I love my church and I love being a part of ministry there. Keeping a positive attitude has been harder than I anticipated, though, ever since I started working there. I knew that would be tough. It has been and continues to be a challenge to keep the big picture in mind. I forget that for a little while and let a few negative voices spend way too much time in my head. Time and prayer have started work their magic, though. Last Sunday was the first in several weeks that I got up and actually WANTED to attend. And then I had good night with a few kids in my Youth Group tonight which also meant I did not come home and cry. I won't apologize for admitting that. If you are the type who thinks those in leadership in ministry should not admit that serving God can be downright frustrating and heartbreaking then I will pray for you. (If it is a good day I will skip insulting you first....just to God - never to your face.) Because EVERYONE I know who works in ministry has felt like that at sometime or another. I love God - and I love people. It is just that people are much less lovable than God is - at least for me. Being a recovering people-pleaser makes this even more challenging.

In the midst of all this life just barrelled along as it always will. I still work 2+ plus jobs, mother my 2+ kids, continue to learn how best to love and partner with the new man in my life. We have His and Hers progeny on rotating schedules. The whole blended family adventure has been another source of stress - both good and bad. My oldest daughter got married and is moving half-way across the country - both good and not-so-good. I am proud of and happy for her...and I will miss having her closer.

Life is good and crazy and chaotic. I long for order and consistency.....even though I know it just ain't gonna happen. Another thing I have learned is to appreciate the moments of joy when they come. They won't last.....but thankfully neither do those filled with sorrow.

So, for the record, I am glad to report that today was a good day.

'Til Next Time.
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